Lessons from Job’s Friends: What Not to Do When Someone Is Suffering

In the Book of Job, we often focus on Job’s faith and perseverance during his suffering. However, there are also many lessons from Job’s friends that give us important insights to use in our daily lives. 

Although Job’s friends started out being sympathetic, their attempts to explain the reasons for Job’s suffering ended up causing Job more harm than comfort.

By taking a look at the actions and words of Job’s friends, we can learn how to respond with greater compassion, humility, and wisdom when others are walking through trials and difficult seasons.

I mentioned in my post, Lessons from the Book of Job: Chapter One that I typically find the book of Job to be difficult to read. I think that is because his friends speak with such certainty of their wisdom, but they are not accurate. As I have been reading it this time, my viewpoint has changed a little, and I have read it more as “what not to do.”

There are a lot of lessons and information in the book of Job. If you have struggled to read this book, I hope some of the insights that stood out to me help you.

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Key Lessons from Job’s Friends

In the Book of Job, Job’s friends began well by sitting with him in silence during his grief. However, as they began to speak, their words changed from comfort to blame. Their harsh words and judgements only made Job’s terrible pain and grief worse.  

From their example, we learn several important lessons:

• Not all suffering is punishment. We should be careful not to assume we know why someone is hurting.
• Presence often matters more than answers. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is simply sit with someone in their pain.
• Words can either heal or hurt. Speaking with humility and compassion is far better than offering harsh answers.
• We don’t always have the answers. Trusting God’s wisdom instead of our own understanding is key when walking with others through difficult seasons.

The story of Job’s friends reminds us that when someone is suffering, compassion, humility, and quiet support often speak louder than our attempts to explain why they are going through something.

When Job’s Friends Sat in Silence

Some of the most compassionate moments in the story happen before Job’s friends ever speak. When they first arrive, they sit with him in silence for seven days, simply sharing in his grief. 

They were pretty good friends for that first week. Their quiet presence reminds us that sometimes comfort doesn’t necessarily come from words. Just be there.

Where Job’s Friends Went Wrong

As the conversations continued, Job’s friends began to assume they understood why he was suffering. Instead of comforting him, they accused him. They insisted that his hardships must have been because of sin. 

Their words show just how easy it is to move from compassion to judgment.

5 Lessons We Can Learn From Job’s Friends

The story of Job’s friends teaches us several important lessons about how we respond to others in their suffering. Their mistakes remind us to approach people with humility, compassion, and a willingness to listen rather than assume or even try to fix everything.

1 – Without Experience We Can’t Say

Throughout the Book of Job, we hear his friends saying things that make them sound like they were experts on his issues. However, they had never been in Job’s situation.

• Job 4:8 – Eliphaz starts out with “In my experience…” – He had no experience in this!
• Job 5:8 – He continues on with, “If I were you…” – We never know what we would truly do in a situation until we are in it ourselves.
• Job 15:17-20 Again, this is Eliphaz speaking. “Listen to me and I will inform you.
  I will describe what I have seen,” – He was speaking as someone on the outside looking in. He had no real idea!

2 – Don’t Make Assumptions

This is a pretty obvious lesson. However, it is easy to make assumptions about people or situations without even realizing it.

In the case of Job’s friends, they were the perfect picture of hypocrisy. They were doing some of the very things they were accusing Job of doing, and they thought those were the reasons he was being “disciplined.”

• Job 5:17 – Eliphaz assumed all of Job’s issues were because God was disciplining him.
• Job 8:6-7 – Why would Bidad even assume to know God’s plan for Job’s life? In these verses, he told Job that if he would earnestly seek God, ask for mercy, and live pure and upright, then the Lord would move on his behalf.

We may never understand it all on earth, but… one day Heaven!

For more on God’s perspective vs. ours, see, “If We Could Only See it from God’s Perspective.”

3 – Do Not Judge

This is the one area that Job’s friends seem to be experts!

• Job 11:7 – Zophar was explaining to Job that God was too great for him (Job) to understand His ways, and yet Zophar acted as if he had Job’s situation completely figured out.
• Job 15:2-3 – Eliphaz accused Job of “answering with empty counsel” and using words that “serve no good purpose.” I am not sure if he was the pot or the kettle!
• Job 20:2-3 – Zophar wasn’t worried in the least about insulting Job, but he was offended when he felt like Job insulted him.

4 – Watch Our Words

There really is no reason for harsh words. It is easier to say than do, but even in anger, we should watch our words.

Obviously, Job’s friends did not watch their words. In fact, they thought that they were so right about the whole ordeal that they spoke these harsh words with authority and confidence.

• Job 5:25 – Eliphaz told Job that a “person whom God corrects” is happy and their offspring would be many. He said this to a man who had just lost all of his children! That is beyond hurtful!
• Job 8:4 – Bildad told Job that the reason all of his children died was because of their sin. Blame is not helpful, and he didn’t know why they died in the first place.
• Job 15:4-6 – Eliphaz told Job that his words were useless and condemning.
• Job 18:2-3 – Bildad basically told Job to shut up and listen to all of his wisdom.
• Job 18:5-21 – Bildad was implying that Job (who was supposed to be his friend) was a wicked person.

Look at one of Job’s replies to Bildad:

“How long will you torment me and crush me with words?” Job 19:2

I think from now on, when I have a hurtful thought come to mind, I am going to tell myself, “Don’t be a Bildad!”

5 – Speak with Humility instead of Arrogance

If Job’s friends would have spoken with more humility instead of arrogance, they may have been able to save a little face at the end of the story, but they didn’t!

On separate note, if you look closely, you will see how they also twisted God’s Word to match their arguments.

• Job 5:27 – Eliphaz was so arrogant to think he knew more than Job, because he “had investigated” the matter.
• Job 8:1-7 – What a way to talk to a friend! Bildad spoke with such certainty like he knew exactly what the Lord’s thoughts and reasons were. No one knows that!
• Job 11:13-20 – Here, Zophar is telling Job exactly what to do to be restored. He spoke his false wisdom with such confidence and arrogance.
• Job 22:1-30 – Eliphaz really thought he had the answer. He sounded like he was trying to be a philosopher without having a clue what he was talking about.

A Few More Lessons from Job’s Friends

The story of Job’s friends reminds us that even well-meaning people can unintentionally add to someone’s pain. Their example offers several important lessons about how we respond to others when they are walking through difficult seasons.

• Sometimes presence is more powerful than words.
• We should be careful not to assume we know why someone is suffering.
• Good intentions don’t always lead to helpful words.
• Not every situation has a simple explanation.
• Compassion should come before correction. There are definitely times when correction can help, but in those cases it should be given with compassion.

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See all of them here.

Final Thoughts

The story of Job’s friends reminds us that our words are very powerful. When someone we love is hurting, we may feel the urge to explain, advise, or search for answers. Yet sometimes the greatest gift we can give is simply our presence, our compassion, and our willingness to listen.

May we learn from the mistakes of Job’s friends and choose to respond with humility, grace, and a heart that reflects God’s love.

This is a simple reminder that sometimes the most powerful ministry we have is simply sharing in the joys and sorrows of others.

Related Posts

Is It Possible to Grieve with Grace and Joy
Life Lessons from the Book of Job: Chapter One
Blessings Beyond the Rut
Who Did You Bless Today?
Silence is Golden: A Lesson from Job 32

Until next time,

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“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt…” Colossians 4:6